just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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