3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
