I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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