I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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