Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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