I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
