I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
