hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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