my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
