A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
