my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
