Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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