I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
