he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
