i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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