We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
