I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
