First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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