if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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