I just pynch a tree in the face
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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