A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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