It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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