Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
