I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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