I wish my penis had an off switch
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize