if you like me you must not know who I am
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
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