There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
