You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
