I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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