Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize