There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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