He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
