babies were throwing up all over the place
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
