Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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