did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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