the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
