chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
