just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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