If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
