I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
