I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
