Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
