low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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