I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
