Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
NoShamevember. You game?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
