How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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