Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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