Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
