I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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