I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
