so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
