I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
