I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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