Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
