My liver just broke up with me...
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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