Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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