My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Even my vagina gasped.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
