He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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