ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
