Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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