I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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